Listen Here, Motherf—er: I’m Not Indulging
Advocating for myself in the face of depression’s darkness
I’ve worked hard to make some solid psychological progress since early September following a hospital stay.
But a hellish toothache over the last few days has me on my back foot. I’m now talking negatively to myself and wrestling with dark thoughts.
Scrolling through my notes today, I found the entry below from almost one year ago, which I wrote as a letter to my family not too long before my first ketamine therapy session.
Interestingly, it conveys much of what I’m struggling with now, and it felt like the right time to share.
The Devil Wears a Person Suit
My Loves,
I’m just not a good human.
I wish I could explain how everything I do is tainted. The level at which I harm. The blackness of my soul.
I hurt everyone; saddle them with sadness. Especially those I care about most.
I cause pain. I connect with no one. I complicate.
Time and again, I’ve proven myself to be a poor excuse for a son, father, spouse, friend, and dog owner. A human.
I do love deeply. I think I have a conscience.
But my darkness is consuming. Only I know myself. And I am the devil.
I can’t pretend I’m human. I can’t put on my mask, smile, and deceive my way through the day.
I deserve death.
You have done so much to help, and I appreciate your sacrifice. You are all wonderful, loving, and compassionate humans.
There is nothing you could have said or done. None of this is your fault.
There are many things to mourn in life; my death should not be one.
This is what I deserve for my sins. This is karma. This is The Universe’s retribution.
Love is all there is.
Derek
Dialogues with Darkness
Twelve months later, I’m equipped with mindfulness tools that help me recognize when depression—not Derek—is speaking.
Still, during challenging times like now, it screams into my subconscious, demanding not just to be heard but indulged.
It wants me to curl up into a ball, gnash my teeth, and drown in grief.
Instead, I stop running from it.
I turn, smile, and embrace it.
I ask what it needs; what it wants to show me.
Then, I compassionately send it on its way.
And I breathe.
Again.
I listened to a wonderful podcast The Huberman Labs with Dr James Hollis, a Jungian psychologist. It did get me thinking about how Mindfulness can make space for our soul to tell us what it needs. Just a thought, but you are doing great work on yourself, stay compassionate to yourself.
Good for you, Derek. Sounds like you’re taking care of yourself.
I’ve been pretty damn miserable as well as we’re dealing with an extended heatwave! It makes me feel quite crabby, bitchy and snappy! 😈 And I’m trying to laugh at myself and my shitty attitude. It is about being charitable with yourself when you’re not feeling that the best part of you can show up. Maybe you’ll feel better once you take care of your dental needs.
Feelings don’t last forever. But, apparently, heat waves do! 😂
I had hundreds of pages of journaling that I just recently dumped in the trash. But, I also did a sage and lavender burning ritual too — just to release the negative energy from my space. A crucifix
might have been helpful too. 😂
For years, I couldn’t part with the words I had committed to the page. Some of it was still painful to review. I’m glad I’ve been able to move past some of the worst and most dark days of my life. I told myself I was going to write a memoir about what I was experiencing because I thought if I don’t write it all down, I’m going to forget. The truth is I haven’t forgotten the pain I experienced — I just don’t dwell on it as much anymore. EMDR helped me with that because it neutralized those past events.
I was for many years focused on my childhood trauma, not realizing that all of the mental illness: depression, anxiety and PTSD — and that associated experienced had created additional PTSD. That is, the experience of suffering and isolation were retraumatizing me.
Be gentle with yourself. I’d caution you to be careful going back and reading old journal entries especially if it feels activating. As my psychotherapist once wisely said, you can choose to close the book whenever you wish to do so — literally or symbolically. You can choose to close Pandora’s box by telling that part of yourself that you promise to revisit when you’re ready. It doesn’t mean the part is being abandoned. You can acknowledge that part that feels RAGE or SADNESS or GRIEF or FRUSTRATION or whatever feelings that have arisen. And, you don’t need to feed the flame 🔥
That’s what’s coming up for me. I hope some of the things I said may resonate with you.
I also hope my past comments about suicide were not triggering to you. I do believe it can be difficult to live in this world — and I think there’s still a lot worth living. ❤️