Your Children are Watching: The Mindful Way to End Trauma-Based Parenting

Recognize your trauma-informed patterns before they become your children's

It was 1985.

I stood beside Mom at the register while she bought a new Nintendo system at Circuit City, complete with ROB the Robot, a Zapper Gun, and Duck Hunt. I was seven, but I still remember the giant box like yesterday.

As soon as we brought it home, she, Dad, and I immediately unpacked it and set it up in the living room. We played for hours, well into the evening.

Then, in the middle of a game of Gyromite, ROB malfunctioned, Dad got frustrated, and we all raised our voices in response.

Amidst the cacophony, he suddenly snapped, grabbed me by my shoulders, picked me up, and threw me a few feet onto the couch. This was nothing new: navigating his unhealthy responses to his own childhood trauma was a running theme growing up.

From my defensive position on the couch, I vividly remember looking up at his widened eyes and seething with rage. I swore right then I’d never treat my children the same.

However, long before I healthily processed events like these, I became a father. And while I was never violent, I ended up perpetuating many of the same learned, unconscious behaviors.

For example, when my girls were toddlers, I stayed home with them for a couple of years while launching my copywriting career. One evening, while rubbing my oldest’s back before bed, I asked if she liked me being there during the day.

She quickly replied, “No, because you yell too much.”

While that should have been a wake-up call, I’m sad to say it wasn’t.

Instead, it took a complete shattering of my life many years later to reawaken to myself, face my trauma, repair my relationships with my children, and slowly become the father they need.

But you don’t have to go through the same. Instead, here’s the technique I use to mindfully navigate my past and ensure my children have an emotionally balanced future.

And best of all, it only takes moments for you to activate.

Awareness Is the First Step Toward Breaking Trauma Cycles

First, I want to emphasize the importance of professional therapy when addressing the root causes of your childhood trauma. Working with a trained trauma specialist can provide crucial guidance for your specific situation that general advice cannot, as well as more robust psychological tools for compassionately healing your deep emotional wounds.

With this said, parenting can put you in situations that remind you of your traumatic childhood experiences. This causes your nervous system to respond in ways that kept you safe (whether physically, emotionally, or both) decades ago but that now negatively impacts how you parent.

The good news is that, when supported by ongoing therapy, you can make great strides in breaking cycles of trauma simply by bringing awareness to them. Therefore, a crucial first step toward healing is recognizing trauma-informed behavioral patterns that can impact your parenting, such as:

• Dissociation or "checking out"

• Emotional detachment, numbing, or avoidance

• Reactionary or controlling behaviors

• Rejection sensitivity

• Hypervigilance

• Anxiety

• Perfectionism

• Black-and-white thinking

Some of these will be apparent, while others might be more subtle. I strongly recommend creating a regular mindfulness practice to help you explore all of your emotions and behaviors in much greater detail.

Mindfulness 101: Start Practicing Meditation Today

However, the STOP technique can be a dynamic tool for addressing your trauma-based parenting responses in real-time.

Try This: Use the STOP Technique

Becoming aware of trauma-informed patterns is so powerful because it then allows you to mindfully explore them instead of reacting. The STOP technique is a great tool for accomplishing this, even when you’re short on time (and you almost certainly are!).

All you need to do is briefly pause, take three deep breaths, observe what’s happening in your mind and body with curiosity, and then choose how to respond using probing questions like:

• What physical sensations am I noticing in my body right now?

• Am I responding to my child or reacting to my past?

• Am I seeing my child as separate from me and my experiences?

• Is my response proportional to the current situation?

• Which need of mine isn't being met at this moment?

This short—but tremendously impactful—practice creates space between a trigger and your response and helps you consciously parent from your values rather than from automatic, unconscious trauma patterns.

I find journaling is especially useful for uncovering my own trauma-based patterns. Therefore, after you’ve completed each exercise, feel free to use this journaling worksheet to help reflect with greater depth:

Mcl Trauma Informed Worksheet

92.7KB ∙ PDF file

Download

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But even with this technique in your back pocket, how can you ensure long-term “success,” however you define it?

The 4 C’s of Success: Compassion, Consistency, Communication, & Celebration

While this awareness —> interruption process is simple, nothing about it is easy.

Through it, you’ll come face-to-face with aspects of yourself in the present—and behaviors you’ve exhibited in the past—that’ll make you want to sprint in the opposite direction. When you do, remain gentle with yourself.

Shame only increases disconnection with your unhealed aspects, as well as with your relationship with your children. Instead, straightforward acknowledgment can help you lean into healing.

This also isn’t a one-and-done practice. It takes consistent, repeated effort to achieve results, not perfection. When these reflection opportunities arise, meet yourself where you are, however messy it gets. The goal is to create momentum, not flawlessness.

Along these lines, each effort you make creates a tiny change. Consequently, transformation doesn’t happen overnight, and it will take time for these small efforts to compound. Just keep going.

And as you make progress, be sure to check in with your other family members, including your children. Consider having age-appropriate conversations about your struggles, as well as how you’re working to overcome them and be a better parent.

You might also consider scheduling regular check-ins, such as setting aside dedicated times with each child, to help rebuild connections.

Last but certainly not least, recognize each win and celebrate your progress together.

Remember, healing generational trauma isn't only about fixing the past. It's also about creating a new legacy of connection, understanding, and love that will ripple through future generations.

By choosing this path of awareness and growth, you're giving your children the greatest gift possible: a parent who is committed to breaking cycles and building healthier relationships, one moment of mindfulness at a time.

Undoing Trauma-Informed Parenting Isn’t a Linear Process

These small moments of mindfulness put you on a trajectory toward profound healing, not just for yourself but for your entire family system. Give yourself a pat on the back for gaining the courage to end your family’s generational trauma.

Not only that but when your children see you show up differently and become more emotionally available, it can be transformative for their own development.

However, the path usually isn't linear. There will be ups and downs, advancements and setbacks, and happiness and heartbreak. But as you float atop life’s undulating waves, return again and again to your breathing and to exploring whatever the world presents with curiosity.

Your decision to address your childhood trauma speaks volumes about your commitment as a parent. Many adults never reach this level of self-awareness or the willingness to change patterns from their own upbringing.

Congratulations on taking the first steps.

You are showing yourself the ultimate self-compassion, and your children will also thank you for putting in the hard work.