Suffering Better: Changing How You Think About Life’s Setbacks
You can use these lessons to change your life.
The last ten months have been intense. I have:
Awakened from lifelong depression
Divorced from a 22-year marriage
Moved 40 minutes from my children
Watched my former mother-in-law die following a years-long cancer battle
Lost my job, health insurance, apartment, and most semblances of independence
Moved back into a spare bedroom at my ex’s
I’m learning that when depression is the scaffolding defining your existence, and it topples, so does everything it supports. Universal laws demand no less.
My kneejerk reaction is to run far, far away, both physically and psychologically. But I’ve learned—the hard way—that fleeing from our suffering only exacerbates it.
Nirodha: Reducing Suffering to Nada
Buddhism teaches that because suffering has a beginning, it also mercifully has an end, aka nirodha.
However, I’m learning two key nuances of this lesson firsthand:
suffering isn’t a separate “thing” from us, and
while we want suffering to cease, the goal is not for us to overcome or move past it
Instead, the objective is to recognize that suffering results directly from craving or desire.
For example, in my instance, a meaningful part of me craves for my life to return to its previous incarnation: the comfort of being with someone for decades, the delectable meals my mother-in-law cooked, a steady income, assurance that I won’t go bankrupt if I fall ill, a place to call my own, and so forth.
But these exact same aspects of my life will never return. Therefore, clinging to a false narrative about how “things might have been” only results in my dissatisfaction and eventual suffering.
Rather than clinging, I mindfully accept and remain close to the suffering these facts engender, which reduces the stress it causes and allows me to stop identifying with ‘my’ pain.
As a result, I provide sufficient space to lessen suffering’s weight, process it, form a healthy relationship with it, and fold its lessons into my toolkit.
Broken Glass Makes Beautiful Windows
The PA who attends my ketamine therapy sessions calls this everything-falls-apart shitshow a “beautiful shattering.”
And I couldn’t agree more.
While it’s painful and tumultuous, mindfully examining my suffering helps shift my perspective and reveal so many blessings:
Experiencing hope for the first time in middle age
Feeling the thrill of flowing with the universe’s energy once again
Seeing the world—and myself—through different peoples’ eyes
Understanding the physical longing to be in my girls’ presence
Grasping the preciousness of good health
Recognizing that many of us are just one [layoff, diagnosis, mishap, etc.] from ruination
The bottom line is that, as frail humans, we have little to no control over what the universe throws at us. Gratefully, though, we always have control over:
how we perceive life’s challenges, and
what we do with the lessons these challenges teach us
By embracing suffering, we transform our pain into growth, rediscover our strength, and grasp the clarity and beauty that emerge from our broken pieces.