The Art of Balance: Maintaining Peace When Your Emotions Go To Sh*t

Equanimity is a superpower. Harness it and consciously create your authentic life.

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Hi, friend! This newsletter is a collaboration with Max Kristopher Komes (@claritysanctuary). Max is a mental health professional whose writing focuses on creating a sanctuary amidst the oftentimes confusing moments of life.

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I stood beside my bed, half-dressed from a bike ride, reviewing stats on my phone.

From down the hall, the dryer’s soft, rhythmic whirring entered my consciousness, and I thought, “Wow, that was super nice.”  

My clothes were still in the washing machine when I left. My daughter must’ve put them in the dryer to wash her own.

I continued looking at my phone, half-heartedly taking a mental inventory of everything in that load, when it struck me like a ton of bricks: my sweatshirt.

I gasped, ran to the dryer, and flung open the door. The heat stole my breath.

“What happened?” my daughter asked, hurrying into the hallway.

“Oh, I think something was dried that can’t be,” I explained.

“I thought it was ok! I put it on the lowest heat setting.”

She felt terrible, and so did I. “It’s ok, sweetheart, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I’m sorry, though; I didn’t mean to startle you,” I assured her with a smile and a soft touch on her shoulder.

As I walked my clothes to the bed and tossed them onto the comforter, though, I knew it wasn’t fine. 

The sunlight poured in through the window and illuminated the black cotton hoodie. Its white, screen-printed “Ketamine Saves Lives” stood out in contrast. At first glance, it looked like it didn’t shrink much, but as soon as I grabbed it and threw it on, it was immediately apparent:

It no longer fit.

My eyes were leaking before I’d even pulled the sweatshirt from my body.

And for the next 45 minutes, I suffered.

Deeply.

Mindful to remain inconspicuous to my girls, I sat in the bathroom with the shower running, breathlessly hunched over, punched in the gut one moment; eyes closed, face pointed toward the heavens, tears streaming down my cheeks the next.

Over and again, I silently pleaded to The Universe:

I just wanted a reminder of her to wrap around my body.

I’ve lost so much already. Why did you also take this from me?

I wasn’t ready. This is too much hurt, too fast.

Please, I beg you.

Stop.

Remembering the Great Illusion: You Decide When Suffering Ceases

Then, somewhere between gasps for air, it clicked: the sweatshirt is just a thing. A thing to which I’m attaching meaning.

Because I consciously decide the meaning, I can also mindfully choose when to release that meaning.

And the world stopped. The curtain dropped. 

My tears continued streaming, but now, for a different reason. 

I clearly saw that emotion—the beauty, pain, sadness, ecstasy, love, aversion, compassion, greed, light, darkness—is the creative force.

I remembered the truth: all this is a gift from The Universe. These states of being are the brushes with which we can paint our stories; mold our reality.

Thus, the ultimate creative potential sits before us. 

We get to decide what scene we’ll paint in life; when to add a splash of suffering, a plot of glee, a stroke of empathy, or a theme of change and growth.

This miracle awaits our recognition in plain sight. However, our ego blinds us and convinces us that we’re merely passive observers.

In other words, our ego would have us believe these feelings and emotions happen to us rather than spring from us. That we’re a victim without agency; a rudderless ship roiling across vast, turbulent seas.

I call this the Great Illusion. This fear-based veil keeps us from seeing how our emotions direct our reality and, consequently, prevents us from finding, naming, and living our ultimate truths. 

However, recognizing our autonomy also comes with a big responsibility: If we choose to continue toiling in our past patterns, we do so consciously–with full awareness that we’re mired in illusion. 

Or, we can harness this recognition, remove ourselves from the Great Illusion, and craft authentic lives by mindfully greeting fear-based responses with equanimity.

It’s Your Response-Ability: Using Equanimity to Learn from Your Emotions

When faced with a predicament in which we feel helpless and flooded by emotions, it is important that we first pause and take a step back, distance ourselves, and become more observant of our inner world. 

We can then take a moment to invite our emotions into our abode. 

We can sit around the table of the present moment with them, compassionately listen to them, ask them what they need, and learn what they’re here to teach us.

Perhaps, anger is alerting us to set a strong boundary.

Maybe, sadness is signaling to us that we need to take time to reflect.

Or possibly, anxiety is reminding us to slow down and rest.

By having this inner conversation, we develop the skill of equanimity. 

Equanimity is what we might also call level-headedness, even in the face of emotional challenges or physical stress. It’s the ability to say, “What I’m experiencing right now is ok, and I’m open to experiencing it.”

“Equanimity is the ability to say, ‘What I’m experiencing right now is ok, and I’m open to experiencing it.’”

With equanimity, we can also maintain a balanced state of mind, regardless of outside circumstances. By immersing ourselves in the here-and-now and accepting life as it is, temporary experiences no longer dictate our inner state of being. We learn to accept whatever life offers with ease and grace.

Furthermore, embracing equanimity doesn’t mean we become numb or passive—in fact, it’s quite the opposite. By embracing life as it is, we release our mental and physical tensions, open the sensitivity of our nervous systems, and feel more deeply than ever before. Each new experience then heightens our awareness, makes our skin tingle with delight, and reveals the beauty and perfection of the world around us.

With this heightened awareness, we can also respond to the world as we see fit. We become more responsible.

The challenges of life, furthermore, transform into opportunities for adventure and growth, beckoning us to expand beyond our comfort zones and discover our capacities for strength and resilience. Then, pain and challenges are no longer intrusive but rather inevitable aspects of life that can uplift us.

And it all begins with our ability to be present.

The Beauty of “Only Time Will Tell”

Like gaining mastery over any other artistic tool, we won’t be able to use emotional balance to consciously create a new reality right out of the gate. 

Instead, it’s about consistently showing up for ourselves in small, repeated efforts. Checking in for just a few seconds several times a day and slowly growing more skillful with our emotional analyses:

• Q: What emotion am I feeling right now?

  • A: Anger

• Q: What trigger is making me feel this emotion? 

  • A: Thinking I’m not where I want to be in life.

• Q: Is this emotion warranted based on the trigger? 

  • A: Sure, some dissatisfaction is reasonable because that can be fertile soil for spurring growth. However, anger probably isn’t the best emotion to get me where I need to be. 

• Q: How can I honor this emotion and also proceed with equanimity?

  • A: Currently, I’m not where I want to be, so this is a signal that it’s time for change in areas of my life that will help me grow toward my goal. I thank my anger for this recognition and compassionately release it into the present moment. 

Doing the hard work. Showing up for ourselves with equanimity again and again. 

From there, the only thing left is patiently allowing time to tell. Sitting with the present moment just as it is. Giving the future plenty of space to unfold with our best interests in mind. 

What Life Will You Create with Your New Superpower?

“Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that, and all will be well.” - The Buddha

Buddhism teaches that because suffering exists, it can end. And consequently, there is a path to achieving this cessation. 

While many potential avenues will move us toward ending our suffering, one of the first steps along any of these paths is developing and maintaining balance–equanimity–when faced with challenging emotions. 

And that can only begin with us. 

So, go ahead. Get to it. 

What will you do this very second with this new awareness, your new superpower? 

How will you choose to respond to life? 

How will you decide to create the remainder of your days?