Don't Fear Your Pebble: Learning From Negative Emotions
Transform your life by facing yourself.
A mountainside, weakened by eons, collapses.
A boulder, ejected from soil, tumbles toward the valley floor.
A splash, its echo unheard, penetrates the water’s surface.
A river, clear and steady, cradles its new companion’s weight.
And for millennia, snowmelt caresses the titan.
Molecule by molecule, its edges soften. Paper-thin cracks, formed by seasonal fluctuations, allow water to penetrate its surface.
Fragments, some large, some small, sacrifice themselves to the current.
Time, relentless and resolute, shrivels the once-mighty boulder into a relic half the size of a pea.
Now, surrounded by countless companions, the pebble finds solace in autumn’s vibrance.
This is its favorite time of year.
Suddenly, darkness covers the sun-pierced kaleidoscopes of red, yellow, orange, and brown.
Then, as quickly as it was blanketed in blackness, the pebble is thrust back into the light. Gravity pulls it back toward earth, and it briefly bounces against my jean cuff before landing between my sock and the inside of my shoe.
As I walk along the shoreline, the pebble drops lower and lower until it lodges firmly in place underneath my heel.
It digs in just enough to be irritating, but not so much that I need to address it immediately. “Maybe with the next step, it’ll move somewhere less bothersome,” I think to myself.
But it doesn’t.
In fact, it just grows increasingly noticeable. And the discomfort it causes, while small, colors everything about that moment.
Instead of being fully present with my dog, I’m distracted.
Instead of enjoying each step, my gait’s slightly off because I don’t want to place all my weight on the pebble.
Instead of fully experiencing the crispness of each breath, my attention is pulled earthward toward this tiny intruder.
I mean, it would only take me a few seconds to pause, take off my shoe, and shake out my tiny passenger. But I kept saying to myself:
“It’s not that bad.”
"I can power through."
"I'll deal with it when I get home.”
“I’m too busy doing [insert whatever excuse here].”
So, I forge ahead, suffering with every step.
Emotional Avoidance: It Works Until It Doesn’t
This is similar to the emotional imbalances we carry around and refuse to address—even though we know they’re negatively impacting our life.
See if any of this sounds familiar:
"My stress isn't that bad right now," even though it’s clearly impacting your life in no-so-great ways.
"Maybe if I just ignore my frustration with my job/relationship/situation, it'll sort itself out," even though this has never worked for you in the past.
"I've got too much on my plate to process these feelings right now,” while your emotional outbursts become more frequent—and intense.
"It's not the right time to deal with this," while everything in your life makes it crystal clear you need to make the time, and very soon.
This is called emotional avoidance. Ignoring our feelings. And it’s totally normal.
However, just because it’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Why? Because, in lieu of a willingness to face ourselves, we can develop unhealthy strategies to cover up our negative emotions like denying, suppressing, disconnecting, distracting ourselves (such as with busyness), using substances, and engaging in risky behaviors.
Ultimately, if we allow these negative emotions to go unchecked for too long, they can increase in intensity and cause impaired emotional regulation, interpersonal issues, and negatively impact mental health.
Just as I hoped the pebble would magically shift to a more comfortable spot in my shoe, when we avoid negative feelings, we wait for our emotional burdens to somehow resolve themselves without any real intervention on our part.
How can you address this feedback loop in your own life?
First, you must recognize. Consciously decide to stop running and face your emotions.
Then, you can get to work.
How to Remove Your Emotional Pebbles**
Most importantly, start by dipping your toes in.
Instead of tackling your biggest, gnarliest emotion, start with one that’s much more manageable.
Maybe you’ve been procrastinating completing a school project, and the deadline’s approaching. Perhaps you’ve experienced some creeping self-doubt about your abilities at work or within your social circles. Or maybe you’ve carried some embarrassment about how you handled a recent situation with your partner.
When you’ve identified the negative emotion you want to focus on, find a comfortable position and close your eyes.
1. Take three deep breaths.
Inhale through your nostrils until your lungs are full, hold for two seconds, and then exhale through your mouth until your lungs are empty.
2. Return your breathing to normal.
Notice the weight of your body. Feel gravity pressing it down. Pay attention to the sensations of your contact points with the surface beneath you.
3. Once you’ve settled in, think of the minor emotion you chose.
If you notice that your first instinct is to push it away, that’s perfectly ok. Instead of avoiding it, though, imagine the emotion as a small pebble in your hand. Feel its lightness. Picture its texture. Imagine it rolling around in your closed palm.
4. Remember: You are in complete control.
This is simply an object to observe a small emotion. Like a real pebble, it’s incapable of hurting you.
5. Carefully examine the emotional pebble.
As you do, notice any bodily sensations the emotion causes. Where do you feel it? Is there tightness? Warmth? Coolness? Whatever sensations you experience, simply observe without judgment.
6. Ask yourself questions.
Ask, “By appearing in this part of my body, is there something this emotion is trying to tell me?”
Listen with curiosity, as you would to a friend who needs to be heard. There's often wisdom in our uncomfortable feelings.
7. Now, imagine opening your palm.
Feel the pressure relieve as soon as you loosen your grip. You see that the pebble—your emotion—is still there, but it no longer needs to be held tightly. You recognize that by releasing your hold, it also releases its hold on you.
8. Recognize: You have the power.
With each breath you take, remember that you are 100% capable of acknowledging difficult emotions, without being overwhelmed by them.
They're temporary visitors, each carrying a message, but you are always in control. You just proved that!
9. Take a final deep breath.
As you exhale, feel the lightness that comes with meeting your emotions with courage and compassion.
Last, when you're ready, gently open your eyes.
From Pebbles to Power: Moving Forward with Balance
The great thing about this meditation is that it can grow with you.
Not only can you input whatever emotion you’d like to work with and the process remains the same, but as you increase your ability to sit with your discomfort, you can also increase the intensity of the emotions you explore.**
While it might feel a little overwhelming at first, you’ll quickly realize just how strong you are when it comes to facing your negative emotions—and most importantly, uncovering the life-changing wisdom they’re eagerly waiting to share with you.
These emotions are not your enemy. Instead, when approached mindfully, they can be your best teacher.
However, if you don’t master them now, they will master you, later.
So go ahead and give the meditation a try, before rather than after.
You got this, I promise!
**This approach works well for meeting my own difficult emotions with curiosity rather than resistance. I am not a mental health professional, and what’s ideal for me may not work for you. If addressing particularly impactful emotions or experiences, please seek professional guidance beforehand.