This Is What It Really Means to Trust Yourself

How to stop consulting the people who aren’t in your life anymore

We made it nearly three decades before separating a couple of years ago.

However, I was alone for the first time in my adult life, so I continued consulting her mental avatar a hundred times a day with questions like:

Does this shirt look good? What do you think about what my friend said? Am I considering all the options in this situation? Did I did a solid job on this task?

Then, I’d allow her imagined answers to help guide my real-world decisions.

But over time, her voice became fainter. Less impactful. Increasingly irrelevant to my newfound authenticity.

And emerging in its place was my own voice.

At first, it was shaky. Unsure of its power, it was hesitant to speak up and assert its wisdom.

With patience, practice, and persistence, though, it gradually grew louder. Now, it’s a trusted confidant for all my life decisions, whether big, small, or in between.

And I want the same for you.

The bottom line is that when friends, family members, romantic partners, or other important relationships exit your life, it’s only natural to cling to their voices as you wrestle with the subsequent grief.

But a big part of healthily integrating your pain is replacing these outdated voices as they fade, and relying on your own wisdom and strength.

For me, this ongoing process involves three parts: acknowledgement, compassion, and trust.

Let’s take a closer look at each.

The 3-Part Foundation for Developing Your Inner Voice

When you’re remembering your self-reliance, it’s essential to establish a psychological safety net that catches you when you fall, and these three elements weave together to achieve just that.

1. Acknowledging Reality

The problem: Recognize—without judgment—that you’re consulting ghosts.

Not only are these people no longer physically in your life, but their voices in your head are frequently distorted by self-imposed harshness or outdated dynamics. Either way, they almost certainly don’t reflect objective reality, so why consult them in the first place?

The solution: Instead, accepting reality is the first step toward giving your authentic voice the space it needs to emerge.

2. Showing Self-Compassion

The problem: When you catch yourself seeking approval from mental avatars, your instinctive response might be harsh self-judgment.

Why am I still doing this? I should be over it by now. I'm so pathetic for creating imaginary validation.

This self-criticism creates a vicious cycle. Because berating yourself for this natural behavior reinforces the insecurities that drive you to seek external validation in the first place.

The solution: Instead, recognize that these mental rehearsals serve as coping mechanisms during times of uncertainty, not as evidence of weakness or failure. When you stop fighting yourself for having these conversations, you can observe them with curiosity, which is essential for genuine change.

3. Trusting Your Innate Wisdom

The problem: Seeking guidance from those you trust is hardwired into your psychology, so mentally rehearsing these imaginary conversations can help you cope and gain a sense of control over unpredictable situations. However, by continuously consulting these absent voices, you also outsource your autonomy in decision-making.

The solution: Instead, building self-trust requires accepting that making "imperfect" decisions based on your own wisdom is better than making "perfect" decisions based on imagined approval from others. It means recognizing that the person you're consulting—even mentally—doesn't have access to your current reality, your growth, or your authentic desires.

Each time you trust your own perspective, even when it feels shaky, you rewire the neural pathways that keep you dependent on external validation.

The goal isn't to become completely self-reliant overnight, but to gradually increase your tolerance for making decisions without imaginary permission.

Here’s my practice for doing just that. I think it could work well for you, too.

A 3-Minute Mindfulness Practice for Reclaiming Your Inner Voice

Begin by finding a comfortable position and settling into your body.

Then, take three full, deep breaths. With each, inhale through your nose, imagining pure white light filling your body. Exhale through your mouth, picturing dark, heavy air exiting your body and carrying your clinging with it.

Finally, return your breathing to its natural pace.

Minute 1: Acknowledgement & Awareness

Now, recall a recent moment when you mentally consulted someone who's no longer active in your life. Don't judge this recognition—simply notice it with the same detachment you would as if watching clouds pass overhead.

As you breathe, silently acknowledge: "I notice I'm still carrying voices from my past. This is completely human and normal."

Feel the weight of this recognition without trying to change anything. Your breath continues, steady and present, while these mental patterns simply exist.

Minute 2: Compassionate, Heart-Centered Breathing

Place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Feel the rhythm of your heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of your abdomen.

Now, imagine speaking to a dear friend who is going through the exact same experience. What compassionate tone would you use? What kindness would you offer? Direct that same empathy toward yourself.

With each inhale, breathe in understanding: "My mind is trying to protect me by clinging to familiar guidance."

With each exhale, release self-criticism: "I'm learning to trust myself, and that takes time."

Notice how your body responds to this gentleness.

Minute 3: Trusting Your Inner Wisdom

With your hands still on your heart and belly, take time to connect with your presence. This is you—right here, right now—not a version from past relationships.

Ask yourself, whether quietly or out loud: "What do I know to be true about myself in this moment?"

Don't think your way to an answer. Instead, listen for the quiet knowing that exists beneath your need for familiarity.

Then, affirm: "I have what I need to make decisions that align with my best interests. My wisdom is valid. My perspective matters."

It might feel like a whisper at first, but each time you consciously trust your own perspective, you teach your nervous system that your self-guidance is safe and reliable.

Remember, though: The goal isn't to immediately silence all your internal voices, but to create space for your authentic voice to emerge alongside them, which gradually grows stronger each time you practice.

Consulting Absent Voices with Radical Self-Compassion

Even though important people will disappear from your life, their voices never entirely leave. Nor should they.

Instead, the goal is to become the trusted advisor of your own life, while honoring the wisdom others have shared along the way.

Your authentic voice is waiting for your trust.

Perhaps today, you’ll finally respond with awareness.