You Don't Have to Get Hit by a Car, Too

How to harness the transformational power of vulnerability, without your life flashing before your eyes.

A car hit me recently.

First time in 25 years of cycling.

The driver wasn’t paying attention and pulled out, turned into the bike lane, and then directly in front of me.

I yelled before I struck the passenger side of her car, scraped back to her rear bumper, landed on my left side, and slid about 10 feet on the pavement.

After I checked myself and my bike, I stood up. Livid doesn’t begin to describe my emotional state. Fully prepared to rant and yell. Even got a little mouthy with her husband.

Then, I saw her face.

She was terrified. Repeatedly apologetic. Shaking so bad that she couldn’t type on her phone. And so young—not much older than my oldest.

Instead of venting my anger, I paused, breathed, and told her what I was feeling. Instantly, my rage melted into compassion. My frown morphed into a smile.

I lectured her a bit (hey, I’m a dad!), but I told her it would be ok. We took a couple of deep breaths together, and she regained some composure.

She asked if I needed a hug.

I very much did—and shared with her why.

Tears flowed. She followed suit.

After getting all of her information, I remained vulnerable and told her that I recognized our paths crossed under “bad” circumstances but that it was beautiful to have had met her. And I hoped she and her husband had equally beautiful lives.

Granted, this is a somewhat extreme example. But it outlines how leaning into our vulnerability can effectively dissipate even our strongest emotions and transform otherwise negative situations.

Here’s how it works.

Vulnerability Reconnects Us to Ourselves First, & Then to Others

There are a lot of instances when we need to be reactionary to maintain our safety.

But taken overboard, a reactive perspective can ruin your life.

Whether it’s a terrible decision made during a single escalation or ten thousand less-terrible decisions made over decades, reactionary behaviors are caustic to any manifestation of balanced living. And when they become deeply ingrained into the lens through which we view the world, they destroy marriages, relationships with children and family, careers, and friendships with equal indifference.

I tell you this from firsthand experience.

But back then, the very little I knew about my inner world was terrifying, so sharing it was unthinkable.

However, once my girls reached double digits and started asking nuanced questions while I was in the throes of my poor behavior, pausing and explaining myself—not making excuses, but consciously reflecting—became a powerful mirror. It helped me put my emotions into words and quickly revealed truths I'd avoided about my negative impacts to our family.

In general, vulnerability is such an effective diffuser because it:

• Grants us space between the trigger and our response

• Allows us to understand the nuances of our behavior

• Shifts us from a defensive stance to one of openness

• Reframes our conflicts from threats into opportunities for connection

Unfortunately, I wish this recognition was a magic bullet that changed everything for me overnight. Instead, it took me years to “drip” this technique into my reactions, and I caused a lot of damage in the interim.

But you don’t have to. Here’s what I’ve learned.

How to Turn Your Knee-Jerk Reactions into Conscious, Vulnerable Connection

I’m telling you, this sh*t works.

Don’t believe me, though. Try it out for yourself.

Stage 1: Learn Your Physical Feedback

First, explore where tension lives in your body during emotional moments (e.g., clenched jaw, tight shoulders, heaviness in the torso, etc.).

Then, the next time you feel one of these “alarms” arising, name where it’s occurring and any associated words. Say these associations aloud to yourself or to a trusted individual. You can even write them down.

Stage 2: Practice Makes Perfect

Once you’re comfortable using words to describe where elevated emotions live in your body, practice expressing complete vulnerability statements, such as "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now" or "This is bringing up some hard emotions for me." Use whatever feels right.

Practice in front of the mirror if you have to. No, you’re not going to die. Yes, you are going to cringe.

Doing this when you’re not triggered will allow these statements to automatically kick in the next time you are. Instinctively, they’ll bridge the gap between trigger and reaction.

Stage 3: Build Tolerance, Gradually

After you’ve grown more comfortable verbalizing vulnerability, start expressing it publicly in lower-stakes situations before tackling harder conversations.

For example, you might tell a friend, "I'm nervous about this presentation.”

Small efforts—repeated often. You’re building your vulnerability muscle, one rep at a time.

Stage 4: Catch Yourself Earlier

As you gain familiarity with your triggers and responses, you’ll start catching yourself earlier and earlier. And that’s the goal!

The faster you can name what's happening, the easier it is to remain open and shift the trajectory of what occurs next.

However, please keep in mind that this takes practice. Remain patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the process.

Vulnerability Can Transform Lives

When we mindfully process the world through a “vulnerability lens,” we don’t just transform our lives but also those we touch.

Without a doubt, my moments of mindful reflection will positively impact the young woman who hit me for a very long time. [I talk a bit more about this—and other mindful topics—on Miranda May’s Remember This, Remember Me podcast below!]

And that’s precisely the kind of change I want to see in others.

Not just those who read this article but also those I meet every day. On the street. In the grocery store. Waiting in line at the airport.

My goal is to show them—and you—how beautiful they are and how beautiful the world is. And in my experience, we can only do that when we’re mindful of—and in touch with—our vulnerability.

When you’re ready, I’d like to help get you there.