What Will You Find in Your Vault?

Three understandings for exploring depression’s lies

“I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout. But all I could was whisper, ‘I’m fine.’” –  Unknown

I frequently dream of a dilapidated two-story home.

I’m unsure whether I’ve lived here, but I do know this: I’ve committed a heinous act, kept it a secret, and hidden the evidence inside, its location unknown. A group of people—who I often know in “real” life but haven’t seen in many years—is investigating my misdeed and when I encounter groups of them, they’re openly hostile and mock me to my face.

Psychologically, the easy answer is that I’ve done something I’m ashamed of, the weight of which is causing my protection “bubble” to crumble, and I’m scared of being seen for the terrible person I am.

Enter: The Vault

With mindful reflection, though, I believe my “vault” is coming into focus: the void where my depression slithers.

It’s where I hold my belief that I should be ashamed of how I feel and validated for recognizing that I’m worthless. It’s where I retreat when things go badly, flagellate myself for being a piece of shit, and convince myself that I deserve every bit of this hell. It’s what makes me think of putting a gun in my mouth every time something goes awry.

I hate this place.

But it’s also where I’m most comfortable. For decades, it’s where darkness has lulled me to sleep, entombed me while I thrashed about, and softly—almost imperceptibly—drowned out my cries.  

Now, a combination of mindfulness and ketamine and traditional therapies has awakened me. The darkness buried in my collapsing vault knows I’m approaching—with open, compassionate arms—and it’s understandably frightened. I mean, it’s been running the show my entire life!

Once you find your own vault, how can you lovingly explore what’s inside? While I’m certainly at the beginning of my journey, here are three understandings that have come into focus so far.

Understanding 1: Part of us must die for another part to live.

Depression demands that we build our lives around it.

Every waking moment can feel like navigating an abusive relationship; we become afraid of doing, saying, or thinking the wrong thing at the wrong time, which might trigger a depressive “outburst” that leaves us emotionally recoiling for hours, days, or weeks. And in the rare instances when we thread the needle just right, we convince ourselves that the dynamics of this relationship are ok and there’s a positive future ahead.

Long story short: having ingrained itself into every facet of our lives, shattering the veil of depression isn’t going to feel good.

Understanding 2: Approach with authenticity.

Because approaching our vault isn’t going to feel good, we must do so with authenticity, respect, and curiosity. Negative emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, while wholly understandable in response to what depression may have done to our lives, only poison the well.

Approaching our vault is a gift to celebrate new understandings rather than an opportunity to carry out vendettas. Remember: this is a part of us and deserves love and compassion, just like every other part.

Understanding 3: Bow, smile, and embrace.

As recognitions arise, our ego’s knee-jerk reaction will be to hide.

Instead of shying away and doom scrolling, binging Netflix, overeating, watching porn, talking on the phone, or one of a million different ways we can distract ourselves from discomfort, may we take the opportunity to bow with gratefulness, breathe mindfully, smile at our new friend, and embrace them while they thrash about like a toddler.

Need help embracing? Return to understanding #1.

What do you think? What are some understandings that help you put depression into perspective? Let’s start a conversation!