I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about reading various books. I love reading self help and psychology books. However, reading the books themselves unless you internalize and put into practice what the book suggests in terms of practice. For me, this behavior resulted in a lot of “make believe” thinking. It went something like this, “well, I read the book so now I know.” I had a psychotherapist tell me years ago, “you read too many books.” I still don’t like that comment. But, I can also see the point she may have been trying to make at the time. Fake it till you make it? Not really.
I met this guy many years ago at a concert. We decided to meet at a coffee shop a few days later as I felt there was some kind of connection. However, when you’re drunk at a concert, I find it’s often easy to make connections with others. What was suppose to be a casual coffee date on a Sunday afternoon ended up being a little different than I had anticipated. This guy kept offering a bunch of psychological terminology — stuff he had obviously picked up from being in therapy. I was wondering if we had the same therapist. 😂 Maybe he was nervous and trying to impress me. I don’t know. If that was the case, it didn’t work. I was sincerely trying to figure out where he was coming from but none of it made sense to me. I let him continue talking. At some point, I thought, “Hey, wait a minute. This guy isn’t real (or he’s not presenting a real version of himself, for whatever reason). He’s just repeating words from a page I just read in Wayne Dyer or Jonathan Livingston Seagull. There was something off because the words didn’t sound like they were coming from him. There were too many inconsistencies in his stories about who he was and where he was from. I thought it best to part ways at that point.
I suppose I’ve been guilty of throwing out words and phrases from books I’ve read. But if we’re just parroting words for social approval and currency value, we’re not demonstrating an ability to skillfully and creatively put into practice the concepts. It’s like a surfer talking about how he rides the waves. I don’t want to hear about how he performs these acts, I want to see them with my own two eyes.
I also had a compulsion to read more books because I was under the illusion that there was a specific book that would hold the keys, that would provide the answers to the questions I had. But, I never found the book. Even The Secret 🤫 doesn’t satisfy. I’ve come to realize that I’m writing the book.
"It’s like a surfer talking about how he rides the waves. I don’t want to hear about how he performs these acts, I want to see them with my own two eyes." This is such a great analogy!
"I also had a compulsion to read more books because I was under the illusion that there was a specific book that would hold the keys, that would provide the answers to the questions I had." Oh, I feel this deeply. And the frustration that comes with cycles of hope for what could be, and disappointment with what inevitably isn't. We have to put in the work to become better surfers.
Point #2 reminds me of this line from "No Bad Parts," by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
"Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us."
The world we grew up in seems to tell us that we just need to upgrade with new information or hardware. Then we'll be happy. But happiness is never found "over there."
Yes, I realize the irony of sharing a book quote considering this point, but I wouldn't argue that all knowledge (read: skills) is worthless. There's simply a limit to what they can do for us on the happiness front. Call it contentment or satisfaction if you prefer.
The wise work is internal. It's learning to tolerate all of our parts of self in the hope that we can learn to love them in time.
Thanks so much, Damon! That's a beautiful quote. I'll check out Richard's book.
"The world we grew up in seems to tell us that we just need to upgrade with new information or hardware." This has certainly been my lived experience, and it's a deeply-ingrained belief I'm still in the process of breaking. I'm not sure I've heard it stated in such a succinct, powerful way.
"I wouldn't argue that all knowledge (read: skills) is worthless." I wholeheartedly agree, and hope my words don't insinuate otherwise. I've learned that knowledge/skills are fun to accumulate, but they only become effective tools when we put in the hard work to clumsily (at first) apply them to our life.
"It's learning to tolerate all of our parts of self in the hope that we can learn to love them in time." It's certainly an intense, step-by-step process, and there are no shortcuts!
Thanks so much, Ryan! I'm very much the same when it comes to "failing." It's so easy to focus on the momentary backward movement that it overshadows all of my previous progress. For me at least, self-compassion is the thread that helps me tie together backward and forward movement into a cohesive whole.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about reading various books. I love reading self help and psychology books. However, reading the books themselves unless you internalize and put into practice what the book suggests in terms of practice. For me, this behavior resulted in a lot of “make believe” thinking. It went something like this, “well, I read the book so now I know.” I had a psychotherapist tell me years ago, “you read too many books.” I still don’t like that comment. But, I can also see the point she may have been trying to make at the time. Fake it till you make it? Not really.
I met this guy many years ago at a concert. We decided to meet at a coffee shop a few days later as I felt there was some kind of connection. However, when you’re drunk at a concert, I find it’s often easy to make connections with others. What was suppose to be a casual coffee date on a Sunday afternoon ended up being a little different than I had anticipated. This guy kept offering a bunch of psychological terminology — stuff he had obviously picked up from being in therapy. I was wondering if we had the same therapist. 😂 Maybe he was nervous and trying to impress me. I don’t know. If that was the case, it didn’t work. I was sincerely trying to figure out where he was coming from but none of it made sense to me. I let him continue talking. At some point, I thought, “Hey, wait a minute. This guy isn’t real (or he’s not presenting a real version of himself, for whatever reason). He’s just repeating words from a page I just read in Wayne Dyer or Jonathan Livingston Seagull. There was something off because the words didn’t sound like they were coming from him. There were too many inconsistencies in his stories about who he was and where he was from. I thought it best to part ways at that point.
I suppose I’ve been guilty of throwing out words and phrases from books I’ve read. But if we’re just parroting words for social approval and currency value, we’re not demonstrating an ability to skillfully and creatively put into practice the concepts. It’s like a surfer talking about how he rides the waves. I don’t want to hear about how he performs these acts, I want to see them with my own two eyes.
I also had a compulsion to read more books because I was under the illusion that there was a specific book that would hold the keys, that would provide the answers to the questions I had. But, I never found the book. Even The Secret 🤫 doesn’t satisfy. I’ve come to realize that I’m writing the book.
"It’s like a surfer talking about how he rides the waves. I don’t want to hear about how he performs these acts, I want to see them with my own two eyes." This is such a great analogy!
"I also had a compulsion to read more books because I was under the illusion that there was a specific book that would hold the keys, that would provide the answers to the questions I had." Oh, I feel this deeply. And the frustration that comes with cycles of hope for what could be, and disappointment with what inevitably isn't. We have to put in the work to become better surfers.
They say it’s the Bible or The Course in Miracles. I don’t see that myself. To each their own, however.
So much of this resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights 🙏
Thank YOU, Darcy!
Point #2 reminds me of this line from "No Bad Parts," by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
"Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us."
The world we grew up in seems to tell us that we just need to upgrade with new information or hardware. Then we'll be happy. But happiness is never found "over there."
Yes, I realize the irony of sharing a book quote considering this point, but I wouldn't argue that all knowledge (read: skills) is worthless. There's simply a limit to what they can do for us on the happiness front. Call it contentment or satisfaction if you prefer.
The wise work is internal. It's learning to tolerate all of our parts of self in the hope that we can learn to love them in time.
This can be harrrrd to do.
Thanks so much, Damon! That's a beautiful quote. I'll check out Richard's book.
"The world we grew up in seems to tell us that we just need to upgrade with new information or hardware." This has certainly been my lived experience, and it's a deeply-ingrained belief I'm still in the process of breaking. I'm not sure I've heard it stated in such a succinct, powerful way.
"I wouldn't argue that all knowledge (read: skills) is worthless." I wholeheartedly agree, and hope my words don't insinuate otherwise. I've learned that knowledge/skills are fun to accumulate, but they only become effective tools when we put in the hard work to clumsily (at first) apply them to our life.
"It's learning to tolerate all of our parts of self in the hope that we can learn to love them in time." It's certainly an intense, step-by-step process, and there are no shortcuts!
Thanks so much, Ryan! I'm very much the same when it comes to "failing." It's so easy to focus on the momentary backward movement that it overshadows all of my previous progress. For me at least, self-compassion is the thread that helps me tie together backward and forward movement into a cohesive whole.