If Your Grief Feels Too Big to Handle, Start Here

How to process powerful emotions when you’re falling apart

I held it together for as long as I could.

But in the span of 11 months, I separated from a 28-year relationship, moved 40 minutes from my family, watched my mother-in-law pass away, divorced, unexpectedly entered a new relationship, lost my dream job (and the relationship), entered a decimated labor market, recognized my 20-year career was coming to an end, and moved back into a spare bedroom with my ex and children.

Unable to process the head-spinning momentum with which my life changed, I fell into a grief-fueled spiral. The wall was just too big to scale, and while I didn’t want to die, I definitely wanted the pain to end.

The ideation grew so strong that I soon checked myself into a behavioral center for a three-day respite.

After my release, I attended a three-month intensive outpatient program, where I learned about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and used components of it to lean into my grief, uncover what it needed to teach me, and healthily release my clinging to it.

These approaches were so effective that I continue utilizing them to guide my daily life, and I think they could be helpful in yours as well.

Stop Trying to Fix Your Grief, & Start Feeling It Instead

Someone dear to me called my chaotic free-fall a “beautiful shattering.”

Because while they’re initially devastating and disorienting, these profound disruptions ultimately break you open in ways that allow for deeper growth, authenticity, and transformation. Like a seed’s shell cracking and allowing it to sprout into something beautiful.

However, when you’re in the midst of sudden, foundational life changes, the tsunami of grief over what you’ve lost can make it impossible to see any lessons in your suffering.

So, you run from it in all kinds of ways. Cover it up. Refuse to face it.

And yes, this helps you avoid the pain. But it also halts your growth. It keeps you stuck in a past version that no longer serves who you are and causes you to repeat patterns that no longer align with the path you’re walking.

While it might initially protect you, it’s all too easy for years (or decades) to pass before you recognize all the experiences your “refusal to address” prevented.

Fortunately, instead of denying your grief or losing yourself in its void, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps you acknowledge its underlying emotions and grant yourself the opportunity to move forward. And as you’ll see, it’s about a lot more than just acceptance.

The Basics of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

In a nutshell, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy encourages you to fully embrace your emotions. Instead of looking at them as problems to solve, you view them as something to be experienced as part of a whole, balanced life.

ACT is based on six fundamental processes:

1. Acceptance – Instead of trying to change or avoid certain thoughts and emotions, you acknowledge all of them.

2. Cognitive defusion – You step back from thoughts and emotions and shift how you respond to them; e.g., labeling, thanking your mind, word repetition, etc.

3. Being present – Maintaining present-moment awareness, observing your thoughts and emotions without judging them, and directly experiencing whatever arises.

4. Self-as-context – Recognizing that you are more than your thoughts and emotions.

5. Values – Identifying principles in different areas of your life (authenticity, courage, creativity, flexibility, kindness, safety, trust, etc.) that can drive your behavior versus allowing them to be driven by unhealthy avoidance.

6. Committed action – Actionable steps you can take to change your behavior in ways that align with your stated values and move you toward greater authenticity.

In these ways, ACT pairs mindfulness strategies with behavioral changes to increase psychological flexibility, ultimately increasing your ability to live meaningfully despite psychological discomfort.

Let’s fold these ideas into a six-minute meditation.

ACT-Based Mindfulness for Processing Grief

Note: Grief is one of the most potent emotional mixes humans can experience, which includes elements of sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, despair, loneliness, relief, and fear. Therefore, if your grief is especially powerful, I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed mental health professional before attempting mindfulness exercises like these.

With this said, I am not a mental health professional. My intention is to outline how mindfully incorporating ACT’s broad concepts helped me, as a layperson, navigate strong emotional states. For personalized, professional guidance, please speak with a licensed specialist.

To begin, seat yourself in a comfortable position and take three deep breaths. With each inhale, imagine your body radiating bright light and with each exhale, imagine heavy, dark energy leaving your body.

Then, return your breathing to normal and settle into yourself.

Step 1: Acceptance

Bring your grief to mind. Pause and notice the nuances of what it consists of, whether sadness, anger, confusion, heat in your body, or any other emotional or physical sensations.

Say to yourself: "I notice grief is here. I notice pain is here." You don't need to like these feelings. The only goal is to acknowledge them as part of your lived experience.

Breathe with whatever arises. Let yourself remain present without trying to fix or escape anything.

Step 2: Cognitive Defusion

Pay attention to any thoughts attached to your grief, such as:

• "I should be over this."

• "I can't handle this."

• "Things will never be the same."

Step back and label them. For example, "I'm having the thought that I can't handle this" or "There's that story about being stuck again."

Imagine these thoughts as passing clouds. You are the vast sky, whereas they’re just temporary weather patterns moving through it.

Step 3: Being Present

Bring your attention to the present moment.

Notice three sounds around you. Feel your body supported. Notice the air temperature on your skin.

As you breathe, consciously move through whatever grief you encounter. If sadness arises, breathe with it. If unpleasant memories surface, let them pass like waves. When your mind pulls you to the past or future, gently return to your breath, again and again.

This is the moment where your healing begins.

Step 4: Self-as-Context

Place one hand on your heart.

Repeat to yourself: “I am not my grief. I am experiencing grief, and I’m so much more.”

Bring to mind a joyful moment before your loss. That’s also you. Recall a recent moment of love or connection. That’s you, too.

Finally, say: "I experience grief, but I am not grief. I am spacious enough to hold all my experiences."

Step 5: Values

Identify three core values, whether love, courage, compassion, connection, or anything else that resonates with your authenticity.

Then, ask: "What do I value about what I'm grieving? How might I fully honor my grief by expressing my values?”

Meeting your grief with integrity instead of avoidance gives you a whole new avenue for healing.

Step 6: Committed Action

Finally, consider one small action you can take today that honors both your grief and your values.

For example, if you value connection, consider joining a grief support group or online community. If you emphasize authenticity, you could honor your healing timeline instead of pretending to be "over it" for others' comfort. Or, if you value compassion, you might volunteer with others who are also grieving or facing loss.

Then, set an intention: "Today, I will honor my grief by [choose one action]. I will view my grief through a lens of compassion and engage with what matters most to me."

Repeat your three deep breaths from the beginning, wiggle your fingers and toes as you realign with this moment, and open your eyes when you’re ready.

Remember: Grief has its own timeline, and it’s not linear. Walking a healing path means learning how to examine your grief with love and curiosity while still engaging fully in your “normal” life. It’s all about balance!

Breaking Apart Can Mean Breaking Through

When life shatters and your old identity, plans, and assumptions crumble into dust, grief forces you to question everything you thought you knew about yourself and the world.

In the face of this immense pain, it’s all too easy to run from the void left behind and miss opportunities to fill it with wisdom that allows you to move forward and continue thriving.

However, meditations like these allow you to stop running, compassionately embrace your grief or other powerful emotions, and ask them what they can teach you.

And then, when you’re ready, you can un-shoulder their weight and grant yourself lasting freedom.