Stop the War Within
Why choosing softness makes all the difference
Over the decades, I’ve waged many wars against myself.
Whichever battalions I placed on the front lines—instant gratification, stagnation, self-criticism, clinging, inauthenticity, substance use—I always lost.
Because there are no winners in war. Especially internal ones.
In other words, when I saw myself as an enemy that needed to be defeated, I created the very suffering I was attempting to escape.
Once I’d suffered enough, though, I consciously decided to lay down my arms and try something radically different: softness.
And whole new worlds opened up for me.
How can you open yourself to the same?
Softness is the Ultimate Display of Strength
Softness is not the same as surrender.
When you surrender to your shadows, you trade compliance for peace. You choose darkness over brilliance. And you sacrifice your growth for inertia.
Through passivity, you give up all your power and only entrench deeper into your challenges.
Softness, on the other hand, involves actively engaging with your challenges without weaponizing them against yourself. You create distance between them, and in that space, you gift yourself opportunities to rise above.
In this way, softness fundamentally transforms your relationship with life.
Instead of perceiving challenges as obstacles to overcome and evidence of your unworthiness, you see them for what they really are: teachers that can help you continue growing.
Thus, you learn to adapt instead of crumble. You explore your challenges without allowing them to become your identity.
And this softness also extends outward. When you stop waging wars against yourself, you also cease unconsciously declaring war on others. You recognize that everyone experiences challenges, and that challenges do not equate to personal shortcomings.
With this newfound space for imperfection—both yours and theirs—your relationships can deepen.
Shifting Your Mindset Toward Softness
Your “war-based” default mode is so persistent because:
You've been conditioned since childhood that self-criticism equals responsibility
You're afraid that self-compassion means letting yourself off the hook
The voice in your head has been running the same toxic script for decades
Our culture celebrates hustle and grind over healing and integration
Therefore, veering away from these “agreements” involves consciously shifting your mindset in the following ways.
1. Softness Isn’t Laziness
Softness doesn’t involve lowering your standards or avoiding the hard work of facing your challenges. Instead, it involves maintaining high personal standards while also changing your ingrained responses when you don't meet them.
High standards paired with harsh self-treatment are a recipe for misery. High standards paired with compassionate accountability create transformation.
2. Catching Yourself Waging Warfare
Notice when you're marshaling troops against yourself.
What situations trigger your attack mode? What physical sensations accompany them?
Gathering intelligence is crucial for bringing any war to an end. Therefore, awareness is a fundamental act of peace.
3. Speak to Yourself Like a Friend, not a General
Your brain processes self-talk and social interaction in remarkably similar ways.
When you speak to yourself with kindness, your nervous system responds as if receiving external support.
4. Practice Radical Self-Forgiveness
I’m not talking about the generic, superficial, "everyone makes mistakes" kind of self-forgiveness.
Instead, you need to provide yourself with the bone-deep recognition that you did the best you could with the awareness, resources, and emotional tools you had at the time—even when your best was objectively terrible.
Forgiveness doesn’t condone harmful actions. It frees you from the corrosive effects of self-hatred.
Next, let’s put these concepts into action.
Meditation: Agreeing to a Truce with Yourself
When you notice self-criticism arising (especially after a failure or mistake), place one hand on your heart and one on your belly.
Take three slow breaths, feeling the warmth of your hands and the rise and fall of your chest. Imagine bright, white light entering your lungs as you inhale, and dark, heavy air exiting as you exhale.
This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, creating a physiological state of safety.
Then, while breathing normally, with your eyes still closed and your hands on your heart and belly, do the following:
Remain curious – Rigid ideas about how you "should" be create suffering. Instead, approach with gentle curiosity, allowing yourself to be exactly as you are—imperfect and worthy of compassion. Notice places in your body where you're holding tight to expectations or self-judgment.
Understand your motivations – What situations or thoughts led you to engage in a war against yourself? Are you striving for unrealistic goals or clinging to feelings of inadequacy? Do your actions align with your values?
Create space – With each breath, imagine a physical space between your self-critical thoughts and your core self. When you notice these thoughts arising, mentally label them as "not me" and allow them to pass. This separation creates freedom to choose your response rather than succumbing to habitual self-criticism.
Practice this meditation daily, gradually increasing the time as you grow more comfortable.
Remember: The goal isn't to eliminate your self-critical thoughts, only to change your relationship with them.
The World Needs Your Softness
Many of the external problems society faces today are the collective manifestation of our internal landscapes. When we believe we must punish ourselves for our challenges, we naturally extend that punishment to others who also face challenges.
Therefore, your journey toward transformation is a radical act of resistance. Every time you choose softness over self-punishment, you cast a vote for being a different kind of human.
In a world addicted to warfare, choosing softness becomes revolutionary.
Doing shadow work and learning to integrate the unwanted bit of myself, I was able to finally find peace and satisfaction. I relate to the feeling of 'being at war with myself' and lived this way for many years. Now, I make it my mission to ensure others meet themselves in a place where they can start being kinder and more compassionate with themselves.
Sooo very well said. Thank You!!!https://open.substack.com/pub/brianmpointer/p/the-world-is-listening-a-message?r=3gsnhb&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false