The Crows Whispered, “You Are Made of Stories”

My second experience with ketamine therapy

Welcome, friend! This is the second in a three-part series about my first few ketamine therapy sessions, which I sought as a treatment for major depression. You can read about my first experience here, which saved my life.

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“We are made of stories. Without [them], there is no way to engage in the world because there is no world, and no one to engage with it." – Marjorie Schuman, Inquiring Deeply

My first ketamine therapy experience was frightening but also indescribably beautiful.

It felt like plugging back in and returning home to a place that exists light years beyond words. There, I gained a better understanding of this medicine’s geography; its curves, and nuances.

However, the days and weeks following my second session were much more intimate and personal.

Deeper.

Downloads: The Universe Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

“We are all one. Only ego, beliefs, and fears separate us.” - Nikola Tesla

My second session was similar to the first, beginning with reality rolling, undulating, and folding into itself until I’m transported to a timeless, pitch-black place I call The Void, which contains everything and nothing; it’s simultaneously everywhere and nowhere.

The Void is a beautiful place I remember as home, but its ‘aloneness’ can also be terrifying if I allow the feeling to breach. Thankfully, having a previous session under my belt helped calm my nerves and allowed me to open up more to the beauty of this second experience.

However, I continue learning that ketamine’s benefit has little to do with the experience itself. Instead, it unlocks an internal vault and opens an energetic floodgate that progressively helps me remember pieces—shards—of my light.

I’m recognizing an unseen force I call The Universe, one that connects everything, is speaking to/through me. And more and more of its wisdom—what I call ‘downloads’—occur daily.

It’s impossible to explain this force using words, but I know it’s eternal and exists all around us—for we are it, and it is us—if we only remember how to listen and subtly shift our perspective.

I’m remembering that this force exists just on the other side of our ego—and that our ego is designed to:

• break our connection to it

• promulgate the illusion of separateness

• generate the “movie” that we call our existence

I’m resting in the comprehension that mindfulness is the tool that grants me access to rejoin The Universe’s conversation and that taking time out of each day to meditate is the best gift I can give myself. 

Still, it’s important to emphasize that access to The Void doesn’t necessarily provide answers. It only provides the gift of sight. It’s my responsibility to mindfully sit with this perspective and allow the downloads to wash over me.

We Are the Authors of Our Lives

"The world you see is just a movie in your mind.” — Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

The most impactful download I’ve absorbed is that I am literally the stories I tell myself.

I’m just one long string of ceaseless thoughts.

An ongoing narrative.

Chatter.

I can learn how to briefly pause my ‘story’ by training my mind to pay greater attention to the present moment. This provides just enough space to understand:

1. how my emotions impact my perspective, and

2. how my perspective determines my story’s plot.   

Thus, I am my life’s author. I have the power to craft my own story.

I—we all—just have to remember this fundamental truth.

And to remember, we must mindfully return to the present moment, precisely when we’re caught in our individual stories.

It’s a beautiful, perfect circle.

In and out. Ebb and flow. Light and dark. Everything and nothing.

Somewhere in between, we anchor our stories. The beauty of ketamine is that it removes this anchor and allows me to remember.

Again, though, I recognize my responsibility. Ketamine only opens my eyes; I must work hard to map my return to authenticity.

I Am Meant to Be Here

“[Crows and ravens] evoke the mortification, in the deepest sense, of being reduced to the bare bones of psychological verity.” — The Book of Symbols, Reflections on Archetypal Images

Following my second session, Briana, the PA told me several crows or ravens played outside the window during most of my time there.  

She wrote in her notes that “Ravens are symbolic of the black hole in space, which draws in all energy towards itself. It’s the idea of having the wisdom to understand the darkness and the light/love to rise above it.”

She also noted that my pulse and oxygen reached 97 simultaneously, which was striking, so she looked up the meaning of the numbers. In numerology, 9 represents inner wisdom, 7 represents faith, and the core message of number 9797 is aligning your soul with your divine purpose. “What a miracle,” she wrote, noting that she was teary-eyed and flushed with chills as the messages came through.

Finally, after sharing a deeply personal story, she said to me, “You are meant to be here. There is a light, power, and reason that you are here.” And to be honest, I’ve never felt more at home. Again and again, this whole process has felt like returning to the ultimate place where I (we all) belong.